The mean reds…or maybe I should call it magenta. Either way, it revolves around my point. You see, the screen-cap I took above is from one of my favorite movies ever, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. In this scene, she is undergoing a change of heart, and saving/retrieving her kitty from the rain. She has realized here that to truly be free, you have to belong, to each other, to someone, to love. But the reason I mentioned “the mean reds,” was because it was a line she used in the movie. She basically asked to her male friend, “ever have the mean reds?” He had asked if it was like the blues, and she said no, referring to the fact that the blues are more like depression or sadness. She goes on to say the mean reds are being suddenly so very afraid of something, but you do not know what. I guess I could say I feel like that on some levels, but mine today are more basic than that. I feel very irritable today, and angry, but like her emotion, I am not sure at what. When I think of anger or aggression, I think of the color red. So, in the spirit of one of my favorites I am calling it the mean reds, since anger can be mean. But if you are a stickler for exact match meanings, just call it the mean magentas.

I am not sure why I am feeling this way, but I know I don’t like it. So what better to work through it, then spatter my thoughts out on my blog. I don’t like anger or aggression or negativity, but hey I am human, and I feel those things time to time, like anyone else. You know those days when everything sparks irritability?  When little things make you see red? A package won’t open right, so you tear at it like the Hulk. A door gets stuck, so you slam it. You know, right? Okay, so maybe it revolves around that ole female stuff…that is possible. But I wonder if it revolves around things that are stuck deep down.  After all, I am a believer that anger isn’t a true emotion, per say…to me, it is a symptom of other things, a mask for pain, so to speak. Perhaps there are things I am not facing.

I know I am worried about all the problems and issues I have to face. I know I am worried about my health, about money, about my career future, the disorder of my home, family, those who have passed both recent and old, and a whole slew of other things. What else is new right?  We all worry about these things. Many of them often at the same time. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. I know there is so much I wish to change and make better. Sometimes, like now, it is so much, that it feels impossible or overwhelming.  But, I know it is not impossible.

So, okay, I can sit here and feel cranky and angry, and perhaps let it out, making sure its only on a couple unimportant inanimate objects like a piece of paper or unwieldy package, but then, it is my job to find a way to transcend.

So what do you do when you feel this way?  How do you overcome and move on? I really hope someday I get to hear actual feedback from a reader, or even hoping readerS. That would make my day. But for now, I have to ask myself this question. I have to find ways to overcome and get through it. So, the idea machine in my head begins to roll.

The way to knock out darkness is turn on the light. The way to chase away negative, is surround in positive. So, I think of things that I think might chase away these mean reds.

And in no particular order, here is what suddenly enters my mind:

7) Work on my diet, and eat things that can balance me chemically, and make my body happy.

6) Get out and walk and use physical movement to work out the negative feelings.

5) Find a way to give or volunteer or do something for others.

4) Work on slowly changing any disorderly environment to change my Feng Shui

3) Work on doing things that make me feel like I have accomplished something, or even successful.

2) Surround myself with words and images and things that inject positive into my mind and heart.

1) And number one, surround myself with elements of love, like people/family, those who uplift me and share closeness with. Also, to work on relationships and making them closer and stronger and healthier.

So, since they were the first things that came out of my mind, my gut, it tells me those are the things I must work on this year, let alone always.

Just a little while ago, yes late at night too, I made myself a high protein dinner with eggs, and lower fat sausage, and spinach in the eggs, and some milk. I am concerned about some health symptoms lately, that have to do with female stuff, and the blood issues I had in the past. A few years back, I had a bout of anemia and got a clot in my lungs. I got very lucky and could have died. One clot to a different part of my lungs or brain, and that would be it. The clot came as a result of my blood not being healthy and having anemia. It was during a time when I stopped caring about myself, and took poor care, and basically gave up. Well, the past few months during that big project, I was eating and sleeping very poorly just to get it done. I think my body is telling me it is not happy. I have to be watchful of getting enough iron in my diet or the anemia could return. I was lucky enough to beat it and get better, but I still have to be careful. I do not want to end up the rest of my life on anti-coagulants.  Well, lately, some symptoms have told me that I think my blood is not happy with me. So, hence the high dose of spinach I put into my eggs. It is time to fix that, before it fixes me.

I want to fix my health most of all, because everything else I do will depend on it. The people who love me also depend on me staying healthy. I know what it is like to care for a sick loved one, as I took care of my mother ill with MD for the better part of 17 years before she passed. I am determined not to leave those I love with that burden. Not that my mother was the burden, per say, but watching her suffer so badly was. Her disease was the burden, and I wish she had taken better care of herself so that she did not have to suffer, and so that she would still be here today.

I am convinced one of my missions in this world, is to overcome the illness and suffering of the family that has come before me. I feel like the signposts are pointing me in that direction. They told me 20 years ago to give up smoking, and I did. They told me to never let alcohol get to me like it did my father, and I did so (not let it get to me.) They tell me to take care of my health, or I could end up in a bad place as well. Heart issues run in my family, as does cancer. I was even born with a hole in my heart that did close up. But, still, these are all warning signs to me, to take care, and get to a better place, while I have the chance.

I have so much to do, and while I have my beloved in my life, and my kitties, I feel weighed down and sluggish, wishing I could find more support and encouragement. I know he largely looks to me to encourage and nudge, and I am such the nurturer. But right now, I feel like I need this so much.

So…where to start. That is the question.

Something funny happened today. But before I say, let me backtrack to an understanding of why it was interesting and weird. Years ago, I had heard about a doctor named Masaru Emoto. He is an author among other things, who has done studies with water. You might have heard of him. Some of his story was featured in the movie, “What the Bleep Do We Know?”  I had heard/read that he conducted studies of water molecules and froze them and studied  how they react to environmental stimuli. Supposedly, they remained structured and beautiful when injected with positive. They became beautiful looking snowflake-like under the microscope, and conversely, broken and mottled when given negative stimuli. I had also heard about prayers being conducted over polluted waters and the actual pollution being cleaned away by this action, by what I heard was dozens or hundreds of people, or something like that. I have always found the subject fascinating.

Then today, I sat down to write my blog, and found one of my magazine subscriptions came in today, and when I flipped it open real quick to see what it had in this issue, it went right to an article on this man and his research. It also mentions a semi-new book he wrote back in 2011. I think I might pick it up in my travels, it’s called, “The Miracle of Water.”  (If I do, I will let you know.) I like that title since water has so much of a role in our lives. It is on most of the earth, our bodies are made up of mostly it, we are constantly told to drink more water, and even many religious ceremony is celebrated or done with it. An even bigger wow, when I looked him up just a few minutes ago, I came to find he passed away just eight days apart from my father this past October. It just felt like this happenstance was trying to tell me something.

Whether you believe in what Dr. Emoto claims or not, whether you believe in the experiments or prayer sessions conducted, there is no doubting that positive begets positive and negative begets negative. It is the basis for laws of attraction.

So, once again, something around me, and something within me, tells me that I just need to keep surrounding myself with positive images and thoughts and ideas. I have to keep faking it until I make it. Mind you, it already has started to work. The more positive I seek and practice, the more I actually feel positive, so I know it works for me, even despite suffering from depression and anxiety.

I like how at the end of the article about Dr. Emoto, it says he suggests that you place the images of positive crystals where you can see them to help encourage the positive in yourself. So, on that note, I think I will either cut out the ones in this article, or print from online, and place where I can see them. Along with other positive things I print out or practice, I am hoping this will add to the positive stimuli to inspire me. The article is in the January 2015, For Women First magazine by the way, in case you are interested.

So, my goals now, the short term, are to develop other plans and goals centered around the ideas I listed above. I want to come up with a plan for the new year, to bring me closer to better health and self-improvement.  Yes, those cliche resolutions. But I do truly want to make and keep some of them.

So, it is now December 30th, the day before New Year’s Eve. I believe I am ready to face the new year. It will be tough, as I have a lot to overcome, but as I arch my back a bit, take a deep breathe, and find some inner resolve…I know I CAN do this. I might not BE something special or different or unique, but even if I am not, I will DO something special, I will give something special…somewhere.

I am going to develop a personal program of improvement that works on all those above thing. My health, my home, my money, my career, and my relationships. I might not succeed at all of them at once or even right away. But the idea is not getting it all done, but to always work on making them all better, as I am able to. The idea is to never give up, even if I have setbacks. And if there is one thing I have demonstrated the ability to retain, its endurance. I will endure!

 

 

I hope you continue to share this with me, whomever you are, if you are still there. I really do wish for most… that eventually someone will give me real feedback and perhaps encouragement and inspiration. All I have gotten so far, sadly, is about a dozen comments of spam. =(  But, I will keep that light on and keep hoping. I really do feel this is a journey that should be shared. Something deep down keeps prompting me and telling me so.

It is a new year, and I am going to find ways to make a new me…or rather just an improved version…or even just bringing light to, and to the bring to the forefront, all the things that perhaps I have really had all along. I hope you continue to share with me.

 

 

If I do not get the opportunity to post again, which I am hoping to before New Year’s Day, I want to wish all of you a fun and safe New Year’s celebration,and above all, a Happy, Healthy, and Fruitful New Year.

 

Milo and I both wish you a peaceful and wonderful New Year! Keep reaching and striving!

All My Best,

Kat :@