I have had my second cup, working on eating, and fed the precious fur babies. Now, onto part 2 for today:
Dreams and Dad. I have been grieving my Dad passing in October, at least when I can fit it into my days. Its not been much, and I think it is catching up to me. Christmas is getting closer, and of course it makes me miss my parents even more. Holiday songs and decorations are everywhere, and they set in the nostalgia and waves of both smiles and sadness as I remember times I can never have again. I miss them both so much, I start to choke on the lump in my throat. When I was at my father’s for the very last time, I saw he had beautiful Christmas card covers all over the front panels of his kitchen cabinets. Now, I can never look at another Christmas scene again, without my thoughts flooding to him. I dreamt of him last night. As dreams often do, it was weird, and thought provoking.
Mind you, as time has gone by, as typical, I have forgotten a lot of details. It its good to keep a dream journal, which I intend to do, so that you can write down the details as soon as you wake, and then revisit them later to contemplate. It is good to do this, as it opens up parts of our subconscious to explore and resolve. But, what I can remember has me thinking a lot.
In my dream, my father had died, but then we found out, that they were able to revive him and he was still alive, even though we knew it would not last long. It is my belief that people who die, often come back somehow in our dreams. It is also my belief that this is our subconscious way of resolving things with them, that perhaps we had not been yet able to. We bring them back in our dream somehow which seems more feasible, and then go from there. This happened to me back when my mother died too. The way our dreams bring them back, often reflects how we feel about the death, or them at the time. For me, I was angry that my mother was taken. I was hurt that she suffered for so long, only to go in such a horrible way. (Again I might tell about that experience at another time.) With my dad, yes I have run the gamut of the grief stages like anyone else, but mostly I am sad that he had to go, hurt that he did not take better care of himself, hurt that he did not wait for me to get there and say goodbye, and hurt that he never really did tell me that he ever approved of me, was proud of me, or ever really spent much time with me.
So, back to my dream, he had died, but been revived. We knew that he did not have much longer. I recall mostly varied images and confusing things going on, but next I recall seeing him dressed in a more dressy, more old-fashioned, yet somewhat western-feel outfit. I think we were all at some sort of gathering or dinner etc. During my time going through stuff where it has been stored, I came across many things in my Mom’s stuff, that she saved from my Dad, even though they had been divorced for something like 25 years before she had passed. I even found a card he had mailed to my mother before I was born, when my brother was just a toddler. It was written to mostly my brother, but also to her. I knew that this card would mean a lot to my brother. So I saved it, so that I can soon mail it out to him. In my dream, I knew at this event, I wanted to give it to him. So I first showed it to my Dad, and then was getting ready to give to my brother. I was waiting for J to arrive so he could see. My Dad really beamed when he saw it. Fast forward as I do not remember what happened in between, I saw my Dad laying down on something. He looked at me and smiled. At this point in the dream, I realized he had been dead and then came back, and he had this knowing about him, like he had seen things while there. Through his smiles, and fading eyes, he looked at me and said, “I know everything about you, I even know that you have 34 muscles in your face.” And then he passed away with the smiles on his face. That is all I remember.
I wonder now what this means. You see, in trying to come to terms with his death, I made a wish a couple weeks ago. I am not sure if I could call it a prayer or a wish, but I made it nevertheless. I wished that since he never told me he was proud of me, or made me feel like he was somehow, I wished that he would find a way to let me know he was, that he approved of me and my life, despite my ups and downs. I so badly need to know. I know he loved me, but you know how sometimes people can love you, but not like you? I have always wondered. I asked for a sign that he did, and asked if maybe, like my mother did, he could come to me in a dream and tell me. Of course, like most of my family, my Dad was always stubborn. I wonder if this dream was his way of letting me know, since it wasn’t done how I asked for. =P He did tell me he knew everything about me. Perhaps his way of letting me know he cared. Or perhaps my own way, of the more self-assured, wiser part of my subconscious letting me know, that he did care more than he showed. It is hard to say at this point, because I honestly don’t know what to believe. I only know three things right now. I know he loved me. I know I love him. And I know I miss him like crazy. What the rest means, I am not totally sure. But the dream did make me feel, oddly enough, somehow reassured and comforted. Maybe he does watch over me, maybe he does know where I am at and what I am doing. Maybe both my parents do.
Do any of you wonder about dreams like I do, and what they mean? I wonder if its a heavenly connection, if there is a heaven or afterlife, if they can see us, if they do follow our lives, and what it all means. I wonder if dreams are ever about connection with them. I wonder if dreams can ever be premonitions of the future, or keys to the past. I wonder if they are only collections of our subconscious and clues to our inner self. It is so cloudy and confusing at times to think about. I would love to hear what you think, or about dreams you have had.
I leave you with the above image, a conglomeration, if you will, of two precious things to me. One, of course, is an image of my father, when he was in the Air Force in the late 60’s. It was an image he took just for my mom, and sent it and several others on a sheet of paper. Under each image was a caption written to her, with things like, “Hello beautiful!” and things like that. I found this paper among my Mom’s things over the last few months. It will now be one of the most precious things I will ever own. He used to write her tons of love letters and cards and such while in the service, all before I came along. So far, the letters have been lost, but I found at least a dozen cards to her, and this precious page of pictures and captions. I cannot begin to tell you what they mean to my heart. I feel complete gratitude for being born from so much love. And decades later, after divorce and disease had hit my mother, she still saved them deep in her drawers. Even my father told me many years later, how much he still and always will love my Mom. That, how they felt and the connection they had, mean everything to me. The other image above, is one from the front of a card he sent her in the late 60’s. I scanned both of these in and made this image above. I hope it does both of these people I am lucky enough to call Mom and Dad, justice.
Thank you for sharing this four D day/week with me. I feel it getting better already. I honestly think even just writing about it here, is cathartic somehow.
I would love to hear your experiences, or perhaps even ones that you can relate to with my own. I would love to hear how any special dreams impacted you.
I am hopeful to add one of my gratitude posts tonight, as well as get working on that diy. I have to upload some images from my camera for it, and edit them and create the steps and post instructions etc. I also hope to start introducing you to a new section I am adding soon, having to do with getting back on my feet, getting back to work, and how you can help me figure out which direction I am taking to get there.
Meantime, I hope your holiday season is bringing you much warmth and love, and even if you do not celebrate anything, or celebrate something different, I still wish you much warmth and love,
P.S. I also hope to have a new Christmas theme on the site going tonight, if not tomorrow. Stay tuned! =)