It is the four D day, and well, it all started last week after I got home from my monumental project. It has been a week of discouragement and delays. The other two D’s I will get into next post.
Delays….we got the Uhual truck returned two days late. That costs money we don’t really have to spare. It took us longer than we thought to get ourselves rested, find a storage unit to offload the stuff to, and get ourselves together.
Now I knew I/we would be tired when we got home, but wow, this hit me hard. I think I was just going on some sort of mental fumes the last couple months, especially since my Dad passed. I got back here last week after that long drive, and everything crashed. The emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental all just completely crashed in me. Each day that passed, I would sleep and could not get up. When I did get up, I felt sluggish and dragged my feet. So, I figured that my, well, everything, just needed it and slept a lot. That is why I did not post honestly. We were going crazy trying to get through getting a unit, get the truck unloaded, get basic things done like dinner, taking care of kitties, etc….and we just needed lots and lots of sleep. I am hoping that stage has passed, but I am trying to be proactive to get myself going again.
A wonderful friend always reminds me, if you keep shuffling your feet, they can’t bury you. And of course, sometimes you just have to fake it, until you make it. Sometimes (well usually, just sometimes longer than others) that really works. If you just keep faking it, and acting as if you will succeed, and going through motions to get to that place you want to be, and pretending that things are good, as long as you don’t ignore what important things need taking care of, within and without, very often it does actually get better. Positive energy does have a way of taking over as you use it. It is sort of like using muscles. The more you use them, the stronger they get. So, for right now, I do admit I feel lousy, and discouraged, but I am going to keep shuffling my feet, and faking it, until I get there.
I know I have lost a few readers during my down time, but I hope that if there is anyone left, you will share this journey with me. I am finding that aspect more important than I thought it would be. I thought I was just doing this for myself, and yes I am to a large degree. But, I find a longing to share. I want to fall down and get up again with others. I don’t think anyone should have to endure trials alone. I want to share them with others. I want to learn with others. I want to become a better person, and I would like your input in getting there, but more importantly, I am finding more and more, that I want to give something to others. I am entering a stage where these strong urges to do for others is beginning to awaken. Mind you, they were always there, but when you enter very dark stages of your life, you tend to crawl within yourself. You pull the covers over your head, lick your own wounds, and go through these dark tunnels in your life. It is my belief we all need these times, and it is okay to just take care of you. It is when you can put the mask on yourself first, that you can then help others. Well, I am coming toward a light at the end of these tunnels, I can feel it. And with that, I feel the need to help others. So, on that note, I am going to strive to look for the silver linings, the positive in all that happens to me, for both our benefits…the readers, and myself. I want to inspire others, to lift up and encourage, and I want to be a shoulder to lean on too. The other day, J’s mom was going to her vendor event (this tireless seventy-something woman is more active than me) to sell one of the two party-related items she sells. I was tired and worn out and wanted to grab some food, a cup of tea, and snuggle under the covers for the night. But when I heard she was going, I had left my TV dinner in the microwave, grabbed my coat and a cup of coffee instead, and ran out the door with her to help. When we got to her event space, I helped her set up her table and such. I know it helped her a lot, and it really did lift me just to help someone else. I am learning, albeit slowly, never resist urges to help others. It is almost always win-win, even when you can’t see it.
The other night when we unloaded the truck into our 10 x 15 space, it took us from somewhere around 5 in the evening (we then spent the better part of an hour or two viewing the spots, facility, signing up for it, and chatting with the manager,) until about 1 in the morning. We were already tired, having not fully recovered from our trip. We spent roughly 6-7 hours on the road only two days before, on something like 6 hours sleep in two days. But let me back up for a moment. On Saturday night, we had only slept about 5 hours, as we had worked very late the night before wrapping things up. Then Sunday, we worked until about 5 or 6 in the morning getting the truck loaded and packing up the living space I had stayed in for the last three and a half months. Honestly, it was no different from any other move I have done, other than in duration. It just took way more than either of us thought.
When the truck (17 foot) was loaded, and we had packed up everything we could find that needed to go, and then packed up Milo into his cage, we were ready to go. We loaded the cage into the front seat of the cab with me, and he drove the car, and I drove the truck. Boy this was eerily familiar. Last time I did this, was three and a half years ago, except then it was 40 feet of train (my 26 ft. moving truck fully loaded up to the door, plus 15 ft car trailer with my car on it), and my senior kitty George in the front with me, and driving 3000 miles by myself. This time, it was a smaller truck, no trailer, a much younger, healthier kitty, and only 250 miles or so to drive. But it was no picnic this time either, that’s for sure. We had stopped only one time, at a rest stop, to nap for about 1 and a half to 2 hours, me in the truck, J in his car. He had to work Monday, so this was grueling for him. We drove the rest of the way, and split off when he took a different road to work. He drove in to work his eight hour shift on only something like 6-7 hours sleep in over two days, and after lots of hard physical work. My poor sweetheart. I finally got home, unloaded my kitty and the cab of the truck (had to save the rest of the contents until we had a unit) and so badly wanted to go to sleep. But I thought of my wonderful J working so hard on no sleep, and the sacrifices he made. So, I knew I had to make a few sacrifices too, for us both. I watched my kitties get reacquainted for a bit, and settled in. I then walked down the street to the supermarket to pick up a few things for dinner, feeling like I was going to fall over. I walked home with my bags of groceries, prepared dinner, and we ate when he got home, and then we both just about passed out.
Tuesday came, and some of the events of the day are literally a blur to me. We were that tired. I think aside from him working that day, we both just slept most of the time. Then on Wednesday, after work, we went out, found the unit, and worked until 1 in the morning or so to unload, dropped off the truck to the rental place, came home, had a quick bite to eat, and then he left for work again at around 5:30am. I think he slept about 2-3 hours that night. Ever since then, aside from running out to help his mother Friday night, and him working his day shift, we have just slept and slept. I am so glad he had Saturday and Sunday to sleep in and recover. I have so much to do here, but I just could not get myself moving. But, I am trying to not be too hard on myself, and realize, I just needed it.
Come Monday, I thought I would be feeling better, but I realized, discouragement had set in. I looked around the house at all the stuff he has brought back here over the last few months, and the mess it was in. I thought about the storage unit I had up here, and the one still down there that were both filled with stuff to go through. I thought about the fact that because of the mess the house is in, and that it was not ready for company, that it would be yet another Christmas I could not do at home, and it made me so very sad. It has been quite a few years since I did anything for Christmas at home. Between all I had lost, moving across country, giving up for a couple years (I had just shut down and basically quit living, except for breathing and eating), and now the disarray that is relocating once again, it just is not feasible. Plus, my Dad passing away in October is really starting to hit me, and all the obstacles I have yet to get through.
So, with all the delays, the discouragement setting in, I am at the point where I look around and say, “now what?” Well, leave it to me, I sit down at the computer, and of course go to Pinterest (I am such an addict of that site) and plug in…guess what? Yup, the word discouragement! I truly do like to see other people’s perspective on things, so I can keep a realistic and balanced focus. The news and other social media can be too depressing or immersed with bad news stories, and for some reason, Pinterest seems to be largely laden with eye candy, people’s impressions of aesthetics, and lots of hopes and dreams. It’s the hopes and dreams part that appeals to me.
The returns I got were mostly inspirational quotes. And inspiration is definitely what I need. Three in particular caught my eye, and that is what I am going to focus on, especially this week. The first is, “Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged people who kept on working.” That is for sure where I am at. I am very tired, and very discouraged, and like I said above, I am just going to move forward and fake it for now. The second is, “Don’t get discouraged, things will work out,” which not only is good advice, but leads back to the dream I had of my mother after she died (a long story for another day,) where she came to me and told me everything was going to be okay. Whether this was just a dream, or really her, I know it is how she felt, and what she would want me to take strength from. So, I remember that and take heart from it, when I need it most. So, stumbling onto that quote so quickly, tells me, that it as much as ever, applies now. And third, was a quote from a woman I admire and have loved as long as I can remember, Lucille Ball. “One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.” I truly admire women of strength, and while I think it actually does help to allow yourself to feel how you feel, even if it is discouraged, I do however think that I/we can’t allow ourselves to live in any negative emotions for too long, or it does become a way of life. It is a painful and hard choice, but rewarding one, if we make the conscious choice to live in positives places, but to give yourself a break, when you take temporary detours down the negative ones. I do wholeheartedly agree that keeping busy and trying to make optimism a way of life is good for one’s self. That is my primary goal right now, to make optimism a way of life. I believe in my heart of hearts, all the rest will follow.
I was starting to take a turn for the better last night, and feel some energy to get up, go out with J, and go get the battery replaced in my Ipod, and then stop by the mall to take some Christmas scenery shots with my camera. It is one of my goals to pursue all the things I love doing, until one of them pans out into something I can do with success, and hopefully to generate some income. So we first went to his brother’s place of work, so the two of them could work on replacing the battery. Mine is an Ipod 4th generation touch. After what happened last night, I am not sure I will ever buy an “I” product again, no less an apple product. Here is where discouragement came to visit me again.
Both J and his brother are skilled in mechanical things. His brother works with software and hardware for a company for 15 years now, and even puts together circuit boards. J works with multiple massive machines at his company, using both the machines and the computers that drive them. That does not even account for his impressive skills with all things machine and problem-solving abilities. The two of them together, worked on replacing the battery in my Ipod. After watching a bunch of how to videos, and bringing up a few step-by-step sites with detailed instructions, they started by using a low temp heat gun to loosen the adhesive on the unit, to pry it open. It took a long amount of time, a good hour or so, and lots of contortions, but they finally got it open. Another hour or so later, and they finally got the new battery in. They followed everything the videos and sites recommended. But, I was heartbroken to come to find, the touch screen was damaged, and would not work. So much is on that thing. I took many photos, some videos, and lots of notes and things. It is like a mini-computer, and when you lose a computer, well, you can imagine how upset I was. Nevertheless, I was gracious to his brother for trying, and we went home. But, so much has happened, I have had so many stumbling blocks, and I am so tired, that it was just a small straw dropped on a huge pile of difficulties, and I broke down crying last night. We never did get to the mall, and I pretty much cried myself to sleep.
I cannot believe that company would make any product so hard to get into and replace a simple battery. If I can help it, I will never buy another product of theirs again. When J’s brother showed me his Galaxy, and how easy it was to pop open the back and throw in another battery, I knew that it was the way it should be, and will likely look into buying an alternative the next time.
So, today is a new day. I slept in very late, about 1 or so, but finally got up, and set out to accomplish anything. I am going on one cup of coffee now, need to feed my kitties and get myself my first meal of the day, and a second cup of coffee, but at least I am started on a new post, a new day, and trying to attain a new outlook. I AM going to do this, I am going to keep shuffling my feet and move forward.
I had a dream about my Dad. It was pretty profound. I will go into it in my next post, after food and another cup of coffee. I am working with a lot of discouragement right now, but I am going to keep working my way out of it. It has been a long week of delays and discouragement, but I hope any of you have hung in there with me. This metamorphosis is going to be long and painful, but it is my hope you will share it with me, the ups and the downs, and in the end, I hope we can all come out of it with something good.
Have you suffered discouragements lately? Is there anything you were able to do to help you recover from them? What do you strive to do most when you feel this way? I really would love for you to share. I would like to be inspired by you, and likewise inspire you as well. Let me know in the comments below.
Hope your day/week/month is going well, and you have encouragements to keep you going, when it gets rough.
All My Best To You,